


Conker the Mayor of Animal Crossing Land

by GlitterNyappyGacktRose



Series: Conker the Squirrel Crashing Other People's Games [2]
Category: Conker's Bad Fur Day, どうぶつの森 | Animal Crossing Series
Genre: Chaos, Crossovers & Fandom Fusions, Destruction, Gen, Nintendo - Freeform, Rare (Game company)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-10
Updated: 2020-03-09
Packaged: 2021-02-26 17:54:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,248
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21742495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GlitterNyappyGacktRose/pseuds/GlitterNyappyGacktRose
Summary: All Conker wanted to do was go home. And now, he's the mayor of a town called Home. How will Conker influence the world of Animal Crossing? Presumably not in a positive way...
Series: Conker the Squirrel Crashing Other People's Games [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1567105
Comments: 2
Kudos: 3





	1. Chapter 1

_Well, here I am! Conker the Mayor… Mayor of all the town. Who’d a thought about that? But how did I come to this, you say? And who are those strange fellows that surround my mayor chair? That you also say! Come closer and I’ll tell you. It all started… yesterday. And what a day that was! It’s what I call… a bad fur day!_

*

“Hi Berri, it’s me, Conker,” said Conker the Squirrel drunkenly, leaning against the payphone in the bar. I’m gonna be a bit late. The guys here are off to fight some war somewhere. So anyway… See you! Love you! …I think she bought it.”

“Put the phone down, Conker,” laughed Banjo merrily from the table.

“Oh, right. Whose round is it?”

“Yours!”

“What, again? Okay… can somebody lend me a fiver?”

Eventually, Conker decided to call it a night. Once again, his wallet was empty and his stomach full of beer. He stumbled out of the bar before anyone else could convince him that it was his round again. He wanted nothing more but to go home and crawl into bed.

“Now, which way was home again? This way, I think…”

And so, Conker wandered in the complete wrong direction. He was going to end up so close, and yet so far from _Home_.

*

“Um… Mind if I sit here? It’s more fun travelling in pairs, or so they say, right? I promise I’m not crazy.”

Conker awoke to the sound of an unfamiliar voice. He groggily opened his eyes, and a splitting headache ensued. His hangover was so bad that he felt that the world was swaying… or was it? Conker slowly looked around and realised that he was sitting on a train. Opposite him, a strange blue and white cat was now sitting happily and staring at him.

“Say, can you tell me the time and the date?” asked the cat.

“How the fuck would I know?” snapped Conker, massaging his temples. “I’d like to ask you the same question. Why don’t you just check your phone?”

“Ah, fair point,” responded the cat, his smile unchanging. “Haven’t done this much travelling by train since 2002 or so… Man, that’s weird.”

“2002?” repeated Conker. “Why that was a pretty good time for me too! Hey, you don’t have any paracetamol, do you?”

“My name is Rover,” responded the cat, completely ignoring Conker’s question. “What’s your name?”

Without warning, a keyboard appeared in front of Conker, as though he was in a video game. Behind the keyboard, Rover the cat was completely still, as though he was frozen in time.

“Huh, I guess I better type my name. Let’s see. C…o…n… k… e… r… Conker! Now, where’s the enter key… ah, here it is!”

As soon as he pressed the button, the world resumed again as though nothing had happened.

“Conker? That’s a cool name for a cool guy!”

“Yeah, I guess it is a pretty cool name.”

“Where are you going?”

Once again, the keyboard appeared in front of Conker.

“Oh, I think I’m getting the hang of this! Right. H… o… m… e… Home!”

With a push of the enter key, the world jumped back to life.

“Home? That’s a great place! I’ve been there before. Hey, which one of these towns is Home?”

At first, Conker had assumed that things seemed off due to his hangover. However, now he was one-hundred percent certain that this cat was strange. Very strange. He silently took the five maps from Rover the cat. At first glance, none of the maps remotely resembled home. However, upon closer inspection, he spotted one that just seemed… right. It had a river and a bridge, just like the area near his home.

“This is home,” replied Conker, pointing at the map. Rover continued smiling.

“Why, that’s the next stop! It was nice meeting you! Good luck on your adventure. I hope you can turn over a new leaf!”

“Thanks,” muttered Conker absentmindedly, rummaging through his pockets. But his train ticket was nowhere to be found. That said, he didn’t even remember getting on the train, not to mind buying a ticket. Ah well. He could always jump over the ticket gate. Although that might be difficult in his current condition.

With a sigh of relief, Conker made his way off the train. Home at last. Or so he’d thought, until he set sight upon the unfamiliar town. Perhaps home isn’t always as one remembers it. Feeling slightly concerned, Conker spotted a monkey wearing a uniform.

“Excuse me, I would like to go home,” began Conker.

“Oook oook, would you like go to another town? Or perhaps you’d like a friend to come visit?” responded the monkey, smiling at Conker with a blank expression.

“I want to go… ah, never mind. By the way, I don’t have a ticket, so… I’m just gonna wander over here.”

Conker left the train station without a single protest from the monkey. Just as he thought he’d gotten off the hook, he was greeted with a loud banging noise.

“Mayor, we’re so happy you’re finally here!”

Conker was surrounded by a circle of cute looking animals, holding tiny party poppers. At the front was a well-dressed Shih Tzu.

“You don’t have to be so loud,” grumbled Conker, covering his ears. “Oh, it’s going to be one of _those_ days… Wait, mayor? No, I’m just Conker. Conker the Squirrel. I’m trying to go home…”

“But you are at Home, Mayor!” replied the shih-tzu. “I’m Isabelle, and I’ll be your assistant.”

Conker pondered it for a moment. On one hand, he was exhausted and just wanted to go to sleep. On the other, being mayor didn’t sound so bad. He’d have more money for beer. And his assistant wasn’t bad looking…

“Alright, yes! That’s me, Conker the Mayor!” responded Conker with pride. “Right, where’s my mayor chair?”

“Right this way!” beamed Isabelle, leading him towards his office.

*

_And so, that’s the story of how I became Mayor of Home. Pretty funny isn’t it? I’m still quite hungover, though. Do any of you readers have some paracetamol?_

_“Mister Mayor, you have to plant the town tree!”_

_Oh, never mind. I have to plant the town tree. See you in chapter 2!_


	2. Chapter 2

_Man, I really gotta piss… Anyway, look at me. Conker the Mayor. Screw everyone who said I’d amount to nothing! I’m a mayor! And I’m sure I’ll figure out how to do mayor things with time. How much will people expect of me? It is my first day, after all…_

*

“Right… there… that ought to do it.”

The entire town erupted into applause as Conker finished planting the town’s tree. He proudly stood up and took a bow, wobbling slightly as he did so.

“Thank you, Mayor!” beamed Isabelle. “And now, everyone, make a wish!”

Everyone shut their eyes. Not wanting to stand out, Conker joined them. With the silence all around him, his internal monologue grew louder.

_Man, these people are strange. Wonder how I’ll get home... Oh yeah, I’m supposed to be making a wish. Damn, wish I could take a leak… that’s it! I wish I could find somewhere to piss!_

Conker slowly opened his eyes to find Isabelle staring at him.

“Finished?” she asked happily. “Well, I hope your wish comes true! Anyway, I’ll be waiting for you in the town hall. See you soon!”

With that, Isabelle sped off into the distance. The other villagers were also leaving: heading back to continue what they’d been doing before Conker’s arrival.

_I hope your wish comes true_ … was Isabelle onto him? His wish wasn’t difficult to make a reality, after all. And so, Conker pulled down his zipper, unleashing his yellow stream all over the town’s tree.

“Aaaaaaah, that’s much better,” he sighed happily. But just as he finished, he discovered that he was not as alone as he initially thought he was. He spun around to find a purple cat staring at him with his mouth wide open.

“Uuuuuuh, it’s good for the tree?”

The cat just stared back in silence. With a shrug, Conker left him and started heading towards the town hall. On the way there, he ran into a dog covered from head to toe in bandages.

“Ouch, buddy, that’s rough,” commented Conker. “Did you get drunk and fall or something?”

“Drunk, rrr-owch?” repeated the dog, tilting his head to the side. “Did you mean “dunk”? I like dunking biscuits into my tea and my milk, rrr-owch. And I love eating biscuits and chocolate and all food, rrr-owch. Ah, now I’m hungry…”

“Nice to meet you hungry, I’m Conker,” joked Conker. The joke seemed to go over the dog’s head.

“My name is Lucky.”

“Lucky, huh? You don’t seem too lucky to me. Say, you don't happen to know that purple cat, do you?”

“Bob?” questioned Lucky. “Yeah, you must be talking about Bob. Good thing he doesn’t wake up to early, rrr-owch. He likes shaking all the trees and taking all the bells for himself to spend on food-"

“Wait, you’re saying that money literally grows on trees here?” interrupted Conker. He walked over to the nearest tree and gave it a mighty kick. Sure enough, a bag of money- bells, was it? – fell to the ground. Conker smiled with relief as he pocketed it, thankful that the money here didn’t hurl expletives at him as he picked it up. Pity that Lucky the Dog didn’t seem too interested in drinking. He’d have to look elsewhere for a drinking buddy.

“Welcome back, Mr Mayor!” beamed Isabelle, as Conker entered the town hall. “If you have some time, please look at the document on your desk. It’s a list of projects that the villagers have suggested in order to improve our town. Personally I’d love to have our museum expanded, but I trust your judgement better than mine!”

“Improvements, huh?” muttered Conker, flipping through the list. “A stone bridge… a lighthouse… hold up, there’s no pub here!”

“A pub?” repeated Isabelle. “What’s a pub?”

“You have to be joking. It’s a place you go to drink-"

“Like The Roost? We already have a café…”

“No no, a place to drink alcohol.”

There was a short silence. But then Isabelle’s smile returned to her face.

“I’m afraid I’ve never tried that drink, Mr Mayor. But if you like it, I’m sure the others would like it too! Although… this list is made up of the suggestions of the townspeople. We’ve been collecting their ideas for years now. I think they’d feel a little bit of disappointment if we started building something that’s not on the list…”

“Then I’ll explain why we need it!” beamed Conker. For a moment, Isabelle looked concerned. But she began to smile once more and she agreed to help Conker with the new project. And before long, Conker was wandering around the town collecting money for the town's pub.

*

“A pub? What’s a pub, glitter?” asked Julian the Unicorn.

“It’s a place to drown your sorrows,” explained Conker.

“Wow! I do get down from time to time, glitter. Being this famous and fabulous is hard!”

And so Conker got his first donation to build the pub.

“What’s a pub, rrr-owch?” asked Lucky the Unlucky Dog.

“It’s a place to drown your sorrows,” repeated Conker.

“W-well, I always wanted to be happier,” muttered Lucky, handing over a few bells . But Conker was not impressed.

“Look, buddy. You’re going to have to be more generous than that. Look at how much Julian gave! This isn’t a time for selfishness and greed!”

“Bu-But that’s all I have!” stumbled Lucky. “This is literally my life savings! I want to be happy too, rrr-owch!”

“Well, that’s just not good enough, is it? You better get out there and make more money! Start shaking those trees.”

“But there are bees in the trees!”

“I don’t care. Get to it! Buzz off!”

Conker stormed off, just as Lucky’s already bandaged and broken body became more battered from being hit by grand piano that fell from the closest tree. But he didn’t notice as he was so fixated on his next destination: Tom Nook’s shop.

“Welcome, welcome. Please take your time browsing, yes, yes,” greeted Tom Nook.

“Ah, I’m not here for browsing,” stated Conker, counting the bells he’d received. “The town of… Home... needs everyone to work together to help build our newest project, a pub. So, in order to raise funds, I’m going to be introducing a few taxes. Let’s see… a paper tax… an axe tax… a fishing rod tax… a turnip tax and… sorry, what’s that?”

“A modern table.”

“Yes, I knew that. And a modern table tax. So, if we add all that together, including all the tax you haven’t paid until now… that’ll come to one… no, two hundred thousand bells!”

Tom Nook stared at Conker with wide eyes. When it became apparent that Conker wouldn’t budge, he slowly made his way into the back of the shop. Minutes later he emerged with several bags of bells. Conker was very pleased.

“Wow, this should be enough to build my… I mean, our pub! Thanks, Nook!”

“You really put the dick in dictator, don’t you?” muttered Tom Nook darkly. However, Conker didn’t hear him over the sound of jingling bells.

*

_I think I’m getting the hang of this mayor thing! Look, I’ve already raised enough money to build a pub and it’s only my first day! And I did all this hungover! Can you imagine how productive I’d be completely sober? …Oh wait, you won’t get to see that because we’re getting a pub in Home! Hurray! See you all there in Chapter 3!_


	3. Chapter 3

_I can’t believe it: the pub has already been completed! And it’s only been a few hours. Wow, these animals really do whatever I tell them to! This day will go down in history in the town of Home! The animals here are in for an experience of a lifetime…_

*

“Aaaaaaagh,” sighed Conker, putting his beer down on the counter. After a long day of hard work, he really needed a nice cold one.

“That’ll be 400 bells,” muttered Brewster, cleaning one of the glasses as he spoke.

“As, I don’t need to pay, because I’m the mayor,” insisted Conker, finishing off his beer. “Now, pour me another one, dear chap.”

“Does that mean I can have one for free too, rrr-owch?” asked Lucky the Dog.

“No, and if you don’t raise enough money to cover your part, I’ll have you thrown in jail for tax evasion!” threatened Conker. “Now, back to it! Chop chop!

With a sigh, Lucky limped over to the door, his already bandaged body swollen from multiple bee stings. With one last longing look at the bar, he retuned outside to continue shaking trees in search of bells. In the past, he could have collected some shells or fruit to sell to Tom Nook. But due to the introduction of ridiculously high taxes, Tom Nook couldn’t afford to buy anything off the villagers anymore.

“I feel funny,” announced Bob the Cat after downing his beer.

“And I feel great!” hiccupped Julian the Unicorn, jumping up onto the bar to show off his skilled dance moves. The villagers nearby cheered and clapped. In the corner, Tom Nook scowled before taking a long drag from his drink.

“All of these are normal reactions,” assured Conker. “Now, drink up! I can’t believe you’ve gone so long without a pub! If we didn’t have a pub where I’m from, there’d be war.

“War? What’s war, b-b-baby?” asked Aurora the Penguin. The question threw Conker.

“Well, it’s like when a load of people get together and fight for a common cause against an enemy,” he began, feeling awkward as all the eyes in the pub settled on him. The look of innocent confusion highlighted just how unfamiliar they were with the term. “Anyway, who wants a free beer? On me, of course! But it’s free, because I’m the mayor!”

Conker’s suggestion was followed by enthusiastic cheers.

*

Documents upon documents were steadily piling onto Conker’s desk as the day drove on. However, Conker was complexly oblivious. How could he have noticed what was happening in the town hall when he spent the entire day at the pub? And how could he have heard the angry shouting and destruction over the loud cheers and singing? It was only when the window shattered, followed by a Molotov cocktail exploding inside the pub did Conker realise something was amiss.

“Welp, that’s not good,” commented Conker as the villagers around him began to scream, rushing for the exit. Conker calmly finished his beer before wandering outside. And a scene of absolute destruction greeted him.

The first thing that caught his eye were the flames. And they were everywhere, the sound of them crackling being drowned out by the villagers screams. Conker watched with wide eyes as Bob the Cat tried to put out the fire consuming his house with a watering can. Other villagers just sobbed, realising there was nothing they could do to save their homes.

Conker strolled through the panic and destruction to the flaming town hall, only to find Isabelle sitting outside of it, her face in her hands as she sobbed.

“All I wanted to do was help make this town the best it can be!” she wailed. “I w-wanted everyone to be happy! How did it all come to this?”

Conker wasn’t sure what to do. He awkwardly stepped forward, leaning in to pat her on the shoulder. But he discovered he had a bigger fish to fry when another Molotov cocktail exploded behind him. He looked up, only to discover Tom Nook atop the burning town hall, war paint of his face and a bandana tied across his forehead.

“Residents of Home!” he bellowed through a megaphone. “I invite you to join me in taking down this tyrant! Death to Conker! Let’s take Home back for ourselves!”

Conker couldn’t help but notice the villagers slowly creeping towards him, axes and shovels in hand. He gulped and pulled at his collar.

“Well, I’m not cut out for this shit. Think I’ll go fight the Great Mighty Poo. Yeah, that sounds good.”

And fortunately for him, a train pulled into the station just then. Conker eagerly staggered towards it, boarding it as the doors snapped shut. He turned around just in time to watch the town hall collapse and become completely engulfed in flames. All around the town, villagers were dropping their weapons and running around in circles, their tiny little arms raised above their heads as they screamed and panicked.

“Huh, wonder what’ll become of Home without me. Guess it can’t get much worse than this,” mused Conker the ex-Mayor Squirrel, putting his feet up on a set as he booted up his Gameboy. Despite being a squirrel, it was very clear that Conker did not fit in with the other animals of Home.

*

_I can’t wait to go home… actual home, not Home the Town. I guess I’m not really cut out to be the Mayor… or maybe it was the villagers that were wrong? I gave them everything… a pub and… well, I gave them a pub! What else could they possibly need? Ah well, since I’m not the mayor, I don’t have to think about it anymore. I could do with a drink after dealing with all this shit…_


End file.
